


I Loved You

by renee20061918



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-15
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2017-11-21 05:30:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/593984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renee20061918/pseuds/renee20061918
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His only sin was to love another boy and for this other boy to love him back. If only for one night. His heart gets broken and if the one you love breaks you, what do you have left? SLASH. Suicidal teenagers. Angst. JxE</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It gets better? The fuck it does

**Author's Note:**

> So, some of you will recognize this story from fanfic, so here it goes again.  
> Thank you, everyone who has been with me since the start, this story will be completed here, and put on hold on the other site.
> 
>  
> 
> Now, this is a very tough subject. Homophobia is very dangerous, more so when encouraged; people are people no matter who they love. 
> 
> It's very serious and it's REAL. So if you know of anyone that's suffering, there are various support groups, The trevor project, It gets better, for example. If you know of someone who's depressed and needs help, try and direct them towards a solution. Even if it's just an understanding ear.
> 
> Tell me your thoughts 
> 
> This story doesn't have a beta, so all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Disclaimer: the characters belong to S.Meyer, I make no profit from writing this.

_It gets better._

The words were mocking him. Leering as he stared at his computer screen, but he just coudn't stop analizing them, trying to find the _how_.

How could it get better? How would everything turn out ok?

Giving in with a sigh, he closed the page and checked to see that every file and browser history was erased. No trace would be left of him. At least, not on the screen. He had deleated everything, his facebook, tweeter, hell, even his lifejournal. After all, who would be interested in reading the inner thoughts of a queer, a fag, a _freak_...

_'You disgust me. You're abnormal. A disgusting freak!'_

He gave a hummorless laugh, remebering the angry words of his best friend, his soulmate.

He lifted the bottle to his lips as he tried to forget the scene from the locker room.

_Has it really only been a week? It seems longer._

_At least_ _**he** _ _wasn't here to watch him break down. Even if they always spend the weekends toghether._

He sighed once again and gulped down some more of the numbing amber liquid.

For once in his life, he was greatful of his parents' busy, why-did-we-ever-have-children attitude and his sister's total disregard for his brother. It allowed him time to think.

_And to write his final goodbyes._

He had written three letters, one for his parents telling that even if they sucked at parenting, he loved them and not to blame themselves. Not that they would. They'd probably complain about how selfish he was, and didn't he know how awfully tiring and expensive a funeral was? One for his sister, advising her to be herself for once, that she is beautiful, intellingent and the perfect girl, to respect herself more and stop trying so goddamned hard to be liked. And the last one, for _**him**_. Rather short, but straight to the point.

Finishing the last of his good friend Jose, he reached for his now good friend Jack, giving the bottle quite a few gulps while trying to erase the final encounter at school, the one that made him lose all his friends respect, and the last time that his best friend even looked at him and finally broke his heart.

_Flashback_

_It had been a few days since the party on Friday. It was now Monday, and he was quite nervous about seeing him._

_Friday had been great. A big party, lots of alcohol and all of their friends surrounding them, telling them how amazing they are. He didn't remember how many drinks he'd had, but the atmosphere was wild, his head was buzzing and he had his best friend right next to him._

_He looked at him and saw his amazing profile. His high cheekbones, stong jaw, dazzling now slightly drooping eyes, and full pouty lips. He sighed and looked away before someone caught him drooling. But hey, it wasn't his fault, the guy was gorgeous!_

_He didn't remember much after that until he was in his bedroom, with the weight of a body above him and wandering hands undressing him._

_"You're beautiful"_

_"No, you're the beautiful one"_

_Then there were lips on skin, the sound of a condom wrapper, probing fingers and finaly fullness._

_He looked at the man above him, inside him, and couldn't help but sigh. Finally, every day dream, fantasy he had had was becoming a reallity._

_A hand caressed his cheek, "I-I love you"_

_His breath caught for a moment._

_"I love you too"_

_With that his lips were assaulted as he continued to be thrust into. A flurry of "harder" "faster" "more" and the slap of skin against skin filled the room._

_When it was over he relaxed into the embrace, giving a last "I love you" and falling into a blissfull sleep._

_He was brought out of his mussings by the jocks slapping his back and asking him where he had dissappeared Friday night. He gave them a shrug and looked for that head of messy hair he could recognize anywhere._

_He felt slightly uneasy, as he hadn't seen him all weekend. He had been gone the next morning, his calls going to voicemail and his texts unanswered._

_He didn't have any classes with him until last period, so he anxiously waited all day to finally see him._

_When he arrived at the locker room, he found him there, shoulders tense and eyes shifting never looking straight at him. He went to touch him, but his hand was slapped away. He didn't understand what was wrong. Weren't they in love? Had it all been a dream?_

_He heard the rest of the guys shuffling into the locker room when_ _**he** _ _finally met his eyes._

_"Never touch me again you fucking faggot" he spat._

_The room became eerily quiet, everyone waiting for an explanation._

_"I- but- what?"_

_"You disgust me. You're abnormal. A disgusting freak! How could you take advantage of me while I was drunk? I HATE YOU!"_

_He was speechless, frozen, until he saw all the guys move away from him, muttering about his faggoty-self, and how he was just waiting to take advantage of them all. He couldn't take it. He risked a glance at him once last time, only to feel his heart break at the coldness he saw there. He felt his eyes sting and fled._

_End of Flashback_

That day was the last day he had anyone to talk to. Even his sister ignored him, following the lead of the popular crowd he was no longer a part of. They called him names, tripped him, and finally they beat him up. He could still feel his bruised ribs and aching joints, a pain he was soon never going to feel again.

He thought he sometimes saw regret and longing in _his_ eyes, but it was replaced by a look of disgust so fast he was never sure if he had just imagined it.

With a final sigh and gulp at the bottle in his hands, he reached for the envelopes and placed them in his bedside table. Taking his mom's anti-depressants, he opened both bottles and places the remaining pills in his hands.

He looked around his room, seeing all the trophies and photographs littering the space. He checked the lock on his door once again and shut the curtains, finally sitting against the headboard of his bed.

He took the pills two by two, washing them down with Jack. He finished them off pretty quickly, placed the bottle down and closed his eyes. He thought he could hear a doorbell ringing, but paid it no mind, probaly a salesman. He imagined footsteps on the stairs and a ponding on his door, but his body felt too heavy to even open his eyes anymore.

The last thing he heard before losing conciousness was a shout of his name on the other side of his door, accopanied by other word he felt too tired to decipher.

With a final smile on his face he knew no more, just as his door opened and the voice of the man he loved yelled

"JASPER!"

 

* * *

 

It had been hours since Edward had decided to man up and apologize to the love of his life. In truth, he was terrified of what people would say and think of him, but after finding out that his so called friends had caught up with Jasper and beaten him up, he decided that enough was enough.

He went home that Friday and came out to his parents. They were supporting and loving and everything he had hopped for. He just needed Jasper forgivness. So resigning himself to a lot of begging and maybe, if things went well, some sexin'. He grabbed his balls from where they had been hiding and went to get the love of his life back, the boy he had been in love with since his hormones made an appearance.

He waited patiently to someone to answer the door, but when there was no answer, he used the key hidden in the bushes to get in. When Jasper didn't open the door to his room, he started to get pissed, so finally resigning himself to break the door (after some threats of course) he found an unresponsive Jasper, two bottles of pills, three bottles of alcohol and three letters.

So now, here he was, in the waiting room of the hospital waiting to hear some news, any news. Rosalie, Jasper's sister was sitting next to him with her boyfriend Emmett. She was crying her heart out after reading the letter his brother left him. As were Jasper's parents.

Edward hadn't had the courage to open his yet, not after the reactions from the other parties involved. Finally, the letter proved to be too much of a temptation, so with shaking fingers he opened it.

_Edward,_

_I loved you._

That was it. Four words. Four damning word that broke Edward's world. He didn't move until he saw the doctor attending Jasper appear. He was glad he remained sitting when the the doctor spoke.

"I'm so sorry..."


	2. You're so sorry? Yeah, well so am I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Check first chapter. I'm totally not making any money, just playing around with the characters.

_"I'm so sorry..."_

The doctor stopped speaking as loud sobs broke out from everyone in the room. He held up his hand to quiet them down and continued.

"He's in a coma. He's alive, but barely. Now all we can do is wait."

 

* * *

 

**S** **ilence. Fog. Numbness.**

_Where the hell am I?_

Jasper tried to move, but found his limbs to be heavy and slightly numb. That didn't stop him from trying, while also recalling how he had ended up here.

Wherever the fuck ' _here_ ' was.

He tried fighting the fog a while longer until he was exhausted. Finally giving up, at least for the time being, he decided to explore a bit. After traveling through the fog for some time, he decided to sit in the emptiness around him.

Resting his still weird-feeling limbs, he closed his eyes and concentrated in remembering how he ended up here.

_What was I doing? How did I end up here...?_

He straightened up with a gasp as the scene played through his mind in a loop.

_**The last thing he heard before losing consciousness was a shout of his name on the other side of his door, accompanied by other word he felt too tired to decipher.** _

_**With a final smile on his face he knew no more, just as his door opened and the voice of the man he loved yelled** _

_**"JASPER!"** _

Edward. Edward had been in his house! He had... He had seen him in his last moments...

_Well, at least I know he'll get his letter. And it's not like he'll care, he hates me._

Tears came to his eyes as he realized he would never see those green irises he loved so much. Even narrowed in hate and disgust they were beautiful.

He checked his environment once more, seeing it just as empty as the last time he'd checked.

_Well, it's white, so maybe it's heaven? I always envisioned hell as red._

An episode from south park he had watched with Edward last month ran through his head and he chuckled out loud.

"Wonder if Kenny's there" he mused, and then snorted at his rambling thoughts.

"A few hours of solitude and I'm already losing it." He shook his head and rested his back against the tree he was sitting next too. It took him a moment to realize that there **was** a tree. He jumped to his feet with a rather loud exclamation of

"What the-?"

The previously empty landscape had become the little meadow he and Edward had frequented as kids. There was the small stream they swam in, and the wild flowers they picked up for their mothers and his little sister.

He suddenly looked at his hand. It felt warm, as if someone was holding it as a lifeline. He heard movement from the clearing and instantly forgot the weird sensation.

In the middle of the clearing, in a defeated stance, stood Edward. He was just as beautiful as he remembered him, with his wind-blown hair and strong jaw he was every bit of the God he was considered in school.

As Jasper continued staring at his lost love, Edward raised his eyes to his. Jasper couldn't help the gasp that escaped him as he watched the tear tracks and red rimmed eyes Edward now showed. He was still frozen when Edward collapsed into himself with wracking soul wrenching sobs.

He stood and carefully approached the now sobbing man.

"Edward...?"

"Please. Please. Please"

Edward was now rocking himself back and forth, repeating the same word as a mantra.

"Please. Please. Oh God, PLEASE!"

Jasper very carefully lowered his hand onto his shoulder.

"Edward? What's wrong?"

The man continued with his plea, completely ignoring Jasper. He knew he should be mad with the sobbing man, but his heart broke with each desperate word from his pink kissable lips. Just as he was about to lower himself to the ground to try and break the man from his despair, Edward said the words that made everything clearer.

"Please wake up Jasper, please! I'm _so fucking sorry_ , _so fucking sorry_. I _love_ you please, you _have_ to wake up. They say you may not, but please! Oh God _please_ let him wake up"

He continued sobbing brokenly before disappearing from the meadow, leaving Jasper with his hand in mid-air and painful realizations crushing his chest.

Edward loved him, despite everything, he loved him.

He was unconscious, for how long, he could only guess.

And there was a chance that he wouldn't make it.

_Well, at least now I know why it felt as if someone was holding my hand._

With a sound that was half-laugh, half-sob, he sank to his knees.

 

* * *

 

At the hospital sitting in an uncomfortable chair next to a still figure in bed, a young man with bronze hair gave up his desperate pleads and succumbed to sleep, never noticing the tears shed by the blonde haired comatose man.


	3. You wanna fuck cows? I'd still love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything but the plot cnd characters oc-ness

Time passed differently in the white fog. He didn't sleep, but faded into darkness sometimes. It was random, and it scared him to know that it could become permanent. He wasn't a religious man, but he was not prepared to discover if there was a heaven or hell after death.

He soon discovered that he couldn't get rid of the white fog- couldn't wish it away. After the image of Edward faded - _but he felt so real_ \- he had tried to wish himself awake. When that didn't work either he tried to go back to the meadow, his room, a park, nothing worked. That is, until someone touched his body, then that person appeared along with a place that was special to them.

Rosalie was the next one after Edward. It was different, Edward felt more substantial, but it was good seein' his family anyways. To say it was enlightening was an understatement.

_He was once again in the fog, exhausted after crying for what felt like days. He had his head buried in his arms trying to find a way to lift the heavy fog that he assumed would lead him to finally waking up._

_He stretched his sore muscles when he felt pressure in his arm. He looked around to find a playground. The playground that he and Rose had frequently claimed as their own until their teenage years when school, popularity and petty gossip got in the way._

_There, sitting in the merry-go-round was his sister. She was as beautiful as the last time he had seen her, even with her smudged makeup and trembling limbs._

_He got up and went to sit next to her. As soon as he was in touching distance he heard what she had to say._

_"Hey Jay. It's me Rosie." She chuckled humorlessly. "Remember those nicknames? We were so young, so naive, thinking that we were invincible, sure of our bond." There she gave a breathless sob. "I'm the one that broke away from that. I'm so sorry Jay. I remember you trying to talk to me about being ourselves in high school, but I talked you into being popular. After all, we were smart, witty and gorgeous. You still are..." She sighed._

_" I remember when we were young, very young about seven and eight, I fell off the swing after trying this stupid stunt that I had seen older girls do. They look so carefree and beautiful jumping through the air, with all the other kids admiring their bravery. I always wanted that. To be admired. You were content to keep to yourself, doing your own thing. Everyone admired you for that, for being so confident in yourself at such a young age. You had what I wanted without even trying. I've never been able to do that. I know it's not an excuse but..." She laughed bitterly._

_"Anyway... I fell, broke my wrist too. You were there in a flash, examining my wrist and telling me not to worry, that I' d be able to do the jump, but needed to start small, and even if I couldn't make it, I'd still be me. You made me feel better. I wanted to be like you. Then when I finally got to high school, I saw that you had followed my advice. You were one of the most popular and loved boys at school, but I wasn't. I was just 'Jasper's little sister'. So I changed. I regret that now. I stopped talking to you while trying to become what I thought I wanted to be and I almost lost you!" She stopped, dissolving into gasping sobs._

_"I'm so sorry that I didn't defend you! I don't care if you're gay or asexual or like fucking cows! You're still my brother! I love you." After that she couldn't say anything else, as she was lost in a sea of memories and tears._

_Jasper had silent tears running down his face, but didn't - couldn't acknowledge them. Not when his sister, his little baby sister was crying her heart out._

_He understood, he really did. Girls had it harder in high school, with the self doubt and body image, and even if his sister was one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen, she had never been able to see herself clearly._

_"I love you too Rosie."_

_He hugged her tight before she disappeared as swiftly as Edward had. Jasper continued sitting deep in thought, happy to know that his sister loved him and accepted him, that they still had the same bond just as strong but needing some communication work. He suddenly felt even more helpless than before, wondering when -_ _**if** _ _he would be able to wake up._

He was happy to know that his sister loved him, he never doubted that. His parents reactions surprised him though.

_It had been hours -days, weeks, months?- since Rosie's 'visit', as he started to call them. He was working hard in lifting the fog when he felt it. His pinky finger seemed easier to move. He was able to move inside the fog, but had discovered that he needed to surpass it to wake up. Movement 'up there' was hard. Heavy limbs and tight chest. But now, he felt as if his littlest finger was outside that. He couldn't explain how he knew it, but he was sure of it. It lasted but a second, but he couldn't be happier to had made some progress, as small as it was._

_He gave himself a few minutes to pat himself in the back when he felt it again, someone - someones - were touching him. He looked around only to fond his parents frantically talking._

_"Jasper, oh Jasper my baby! Wake up sweetheart! Please baby boy you can do it!" His mother was pacing while continuing to babble._

_"Sugar, the doc said he would have some involuntary movement, it ain't a sign that he's wakin' up." His father, always the realist tried to tell his mother._

_"NO! It's him! He's trying to wake up John! I know it!"_

_His father signed, looking tiredly at the floor. "I miss him, God knows I do, but I ain't getting my hopes up just for it to be a false alarm."_

_"May- maybe..." his mother's lower lip trembled, "if we talk to him?"_

_"Everyone else had done it, so yeah, why the hell not. It's not like it'll do any harm."_

_Jasper watched as his military trained father and socialite mother sat in the sand. That's when he finally tore his eyes away from his parents to see where they were now. It was a beach. The same beach they had frequented every summer when he was younger. They used to laugh, and run, and have so much fun those summer days. It all stopped when his father was sent to Iraq for a year and they moved to Forks. Forks, where his father arrived a different, emotionless man and his mother became the socialite everyone knew and envied. Forks, where he found Edward. Forks, where he tried to take his life._

_He shook his head to dislodge his morbid thoughts and approached his parents. He sat down in front of them and prepared himself for disappointment. Even if they seemed worried, he had to be a burden, right?_

_"Hey there baby boy. I love you and I miss you. WE miss you." His mother started._

_"We do son, so much. Your mother and I... we're sorry. So very sorry we were not there for you. You deserved better."_

_"You did." His mother finally succumbed to her tears. "Wake up and we'll make it better. We'll help you. I won't be absent as much, I... I guess after your father left he took me with him. I didn't know how to cope baby boy. It was wrong, you and Rose were so young..."_

_"You were, but you took my words to heart, didn't you son? You took care of your ma and sister. I forgot to tell you to take care of yourself too." His father took a deep breath. "I know I was different when I returned. I didn't want to leave, but they needed me to lead. I had to go. I wish I hadn't. I saw so much son, baby boy, I saw young boys getting killed, I saw them maimed and broken and I just, I though of you, of how you wanted to follow in my footsteps and I could not in good conscience allow you that kind of future. You're too special, you feel so much, I worried it would break you. It does that to people, war. It broke me. I'm sorry I kept my distance son, but I never, NEVER stopped loving you. You and Rose are my babies, my world. Please wake up son, so I can make it up to you. I promise. I want to hug you and kiss your head like before I left, like all those times you asked. I regret my actions, but you have to wake up and give me a chance to change. I -we never got a chance to tell you that we accept you just as you are, with a girl or a boy or whatever you want as long as you're happy. We love you son, and want to see you happy. God! I love you Jasper, so damn much it hurts! You're my baby, my SON..."_

_His father collapsed in tears and soul wrenching sobs, while his mother kept repeating "Wake up, I love you baby boy, wake up" over and over with tears streaming down her face._

_For his part, Jasper was stunned. He couldn't process what he had heard. His parents loved him, no matter what..._

_He surged forward and enveloped both his now motionless parents in the tightest hug he could._

_"I love you too da. I love you too ma. So goddamn much."_

_"Oh lord!" His mother exclaimed, "John he's crying! Do you think he can hear us?"_

_"I know he can Caroline." His father replied before Jasper felt warmth in his forehead. "I love you son"_

_His mother repeated the words and he felt warmth once more before they were gone._

_'Well' he thought to himself, 'I can't wake up but the whole damn world knows when I'm crying. Figures'_

_He snorted at his thoughts before lying down with a peaceful smile and even more determination to get out of the fog._

They all appeared from time to time, although Edward was the one who didn't leave his bedside, or so he heard Rosie complain. Emmett, Rosie's boyfriend was there from time to time. He knew this as he now could hear some murmuring even when no one was touching him. He took this as a sign that he was improving and worked harder to return to the living.

He'd wake up. He had so much to live for.


	4. Wanna Punch Him? Get In-Fucking_line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, total accident, but I'd uploaded chapter 5 instead of chapter 4, so now that's been put to rights, enjoy.
> 
> I don't own.

It had been a while since he had seen Edward. He could still hear murmurs, every time clearer and clearer, but Edward hadn't touched him since the first time when he begged for forgiveness.

Rosie and his parents were now regulars in their touches and stories, and even Emmett had held his hand a time or two. He regaled him of stories of how the football team had won a game, how most of the school was waiting to hear of his full recovery, and even of how Rose had gone all death-avenger on some of the guys that had beaten him up.

Jasper now considered Emmett to be a really close friend, if only for the time he spent with him, not to mention that he made his sister completely happy. Before, he had never had the chance to actually talk to his sister's boyfriend. He was a year younger just like Rosie, and while he seemed like a good guy, Rose had never acknowledged him much when Emmett was over. He knew that things were different now. Rosie had changed and he had Emmett to thank for that.

_He was resting from trying to escape the fog. It was hard work, but he was determined to wake up. He heard the murmurs before he felt the touch, and there they were, Rosie and Emmett. The perfect couple, both with good looks, smarts and a kindness that was weird for someone their age._

_"He looks determined" Emmett remarked with a chuckle while sitting down on the bleacher of the school's football field. Why that was the place they appeared in was obvious, Em and Rosie had met there._

_"He does. He always gets this little furrow between his eyebrows when his trying to solve some big puzzle. What do you think he's thinking about?" Rosie answered._

_"I think he's trying to wake up." Emmett said with a hint of a smile playing on his lips._

_"How do you know that?"_

_Emmett looked up at her then with an unnatural seriousness to his features. "I never told you did I? My cousin, he was gay-bashed. They broke a couple of his ribs, his right leg and gave him a concussion. He had decided to come out, back when we were in Tennessee. I knew he was gay, he had told me years before, he even introduced me to his boyfriend. I went all big brother on him, and he just laughed, relieved."_

_Rosie chuckled along with Emmett, a knowing smile in her lips._

_"Is that why you're being so nice about all of this? He reminds you of your cousin?"_

_"Yes and no. He does remind me of him. They both have the same peaceful vibe about them. I wanted to get to know him, you know? I knew something was bothering him but you didn't seem so keen in introducing us. For a while there I though you were ashamed of me."_

_"Em..." Rosalie looked down, now ashamed of her past actions._

_"Don't Rose. You have explained it to me, and it's fine. You're human, you're bound to make mistakes, just don't make them twice. He loves you, you know. Every time he looks at you his eyes just light up. You're his baby sis."_

_"I know" Rosalie said with tears in her eyes. She pressed the heel of her hands to her eyes before they could spill. "I love him too. He's my big brother."_

_Emmett took her hands in his. "I know Rosie. Well, my cousin, he decided to tell his parents. Not a good idea. They kicked him out, but not before informing everyone of what an embarrassment their cocksucker son was." Emmett closed his eyes tightly. "I was so mad. I took a swing at his father, my uncle. Took him down alright." He chuckled humorlessly. "But the damage had been done. Everyone knew, and some people didn't took to it lightly. His best friends, the guys that had played with him since they were all five or six, they just... they took a bat and..."_

_"I know. Shh Em, it's ok." Rosalie said while comforting Emmett as he broke down a little._

_"Sorry" He said wiping his eyes. "It's still hard. Well, he was in the hospital for two months. After that his mom's sister came and took him to New York with her. His parents had disowned him, and his boyfriend decided to be a coward and hide deeper in the closet. He started dating the sister of one of the guys who bashed Garrett, that's my cousin, so he didn't want to stay anymore. My dad got a promotion a little after that, so here I am."_

_"Do you talk to him? To Garrett, I mean?"_

_"Yeah, he's doing great. He has a boyfriend, one that's out of the closet. His ex called him to apologize and beg for forgiveness, and he told him it was fine, but that he 'd never be able to be with him again. I was so proud of him."_

_"Is that why you don't like Edward?" Rosie asked while still holding Emmett's hands._

_"Sort of, I mean, I heard some rumors, but when I finally asked Jacob, you know one of the guys you punched," they both chuckled at this, "he confirmed it all, told me everything that was said and now, well Edward expects to just come running with tears and apologies and for Jasper to welcome him with open arms as soon as he wakes? He was an asshole, he outed Jasper when he wasn't ready all because he was a scared little boy. So yeah, if that answers your question of why I think he's a piece of shit, then hat's why I don't like him."_

_Emmett had a hard look on his face as he said that, and after a few moments Rosie nodded her head._

_"Never though of it like that, but I can't hate him, I've know him far too long, and I know he makes Jasper happy. I don't like him right now, but I get that he felt cornered."_

_Emmett nodded his head, but didn't look convinced._

_"If it makes you feel better, you can kick his ass." She compromised. Emmett then let out a loud laugh and hugged her._

_"That's why I love you. See, you're not that cold bitch everyone thinks you are."_

_She hugged him tighter. "That's thanks to you and Jay. I owe both of you so much, but you have opened my eyes Em. I love you too."_

_With that Jasper felt Rosie give him a kiss as they both left._

That had been awhile ago (or maybe a few minutes? Time here was really screwing with his head) but it had left him a lot of time to think. Emmett's words kept running circles in his mind. He loved Edward he was sure of it.

Every time he thought about the green-eyed man his hands would sweat, he got light headed and his stomach would erupt with what he assumed to be a fuckton of butterflies. Edward made him happy, oh so happy. He got his jokes, and the way his mind worked, he could calm him down with just a touch, and just thinking of his long graceful hands was enough to give him a hard-on that could cut diamonds.

On the other hand, they were only 17. He always thought that Edward was his soulmate, but they were just juniors in High School. What if he met someone in college? What if Edward met someone in college? What if Edward met a _girl_ that he could love? Just the thought made him nauseous.

Ok, so maybe he was in love, but could he really forgive and forget? Emmett had said that Edward expected him to forgive him and welcome him with open arms. Was that true? Had he so little self respect that he would just ignore every painful word, every cold look, and not to forget, the way Edward outed him? No one had known of their one-time night time activity. What gave Edward the right to yell at him in _public_? In _the boys locker room_ no less?

Now Jasper was **livid.** They could have talked in private. Oh no, not in case he fucking _jumped_ the copper haired man. In case he decided to _force_ him to fuck him! He might not remember all the details, but he knew it had been mutual. He hadn't forced Edward to make love -no- to fuck him into the mattress. Edward was the one who put his dick in him for fucks sake! He had willingly caressed and fingered and every-fucking-else he had done to Jasper's all too willing body!

Jasper took a deep breath and calmed his thoughts. He always got upset thinking about it, every time Emmett's word entered his tired brain. Unfortunately, he always got to the same conclusion: he actually loved the fucking idiot. He might have single-handedly thrown him to the wolves, but his heart still ached when he thought of pushing Edward away forever.

He groaned into his hands and decided to concentrate in waking up. He'd figure it out once he was awake enough to first throw some punches. Yes, that would make him feel better and then they could talk.

Nodding his head pleased with that idea, he concentrated once again in beating the fog to submission.

He started with his hands, careful to only move them minutely outside the fog, otherwise anyone within distance would hold his hands, arms, etc., making it impossible to concentrate while their images appeared in his subconscious.

He had arms and feet moving, now he was working on arms and legs. While he did this he wondered why he could move some of his limbs and still not wake up. He chucked it up to the feeling of tightness in his chest and the difficulty he had breathing every time.

He was feeling his arms and legs outside the fog! He was almost there! With a burst of determination, he soldiered on. He could hear their voices now, clearer and clearer. Now if only he could open his eyes! He was determined now, he wanted to see everyone, give them a smile, hug them and tell them how much it meant to him that they stayed.

He kept trying until the voices were clearer. They were not chatting amicably like he though, they were... shouting?

"You fucking son of a bitch! How dare you! First you come here all puppy eyed and defeated and sit by him and cry but won't touch him! And now I discover that it's because you don't want to catch the GAY?"

"You don't get it! You're his sister and you never talked to him unless to bitch at him! Do you know how many times I had to hold him while he wondered why you hated him? I WAS THERE FOR HIM!"

"Don't you **dare** turn this on me! Yo say you're 'oh so sorry'" She siad taking a whining voice that was supposed to be Edward. "And now you're with your little friends talking shit about him! And then you come and cry, but don't touch him! You told me you loved him! Hell, you told HIM you love him! I heard you! You fucking hypocrite get out! GET OUT!"

"I WON'T! I do love him! He's my best friend!"

"Oh please cut the bullshit! You fucked him!"

"Wha- what? Where did you hear that, that's insane!"

"You talk in your sleep fucker. Now tell me what the hell you're doing in my brother's room when you were saying that the, and I quote 'little faggot deserved it for being so fucking disgusting' un-fucking-quote!"

Jasper didn't want to wake up anymore. He wanted to sleep. Everything being said was cutting his heart in pieces, but his chest hurt and his breathing was labored. He was waking up. Just so his soulmate could tear his heart from his chest. Again.

Their breathing was labored and loud in the small hospital room.

"I- I- I did. It was the night of the party." Now Edward's voice was barely audible. "We got drunk and slept together. I told him I loved him. He said it back."

Rosalie's voice was quiet now too. "Then why? Why hang out with them if they beat the ever loving shit out of Jay?"

"I was scared. I am scared." He sighed. "I came out to my parents when I found him almost- almost dead. I just... They accepted me, and I thought everything would be better, but I didn't want any shit at school. I was going to wait for Jas to wake up and..."

"And what? Break his heart again? Fucking shit Edward! Don't you get it? You BROKE him! I may not know him that well, but I love him as a brother now, and I will not let any harm come to him again. Even if that means kicking the shit out of you." Emmett's voice interrupted. His voice was unusually quiet, but just as threatening as if he'd been shouting.

"NO! I love him! You can't just... I was just... I'm sorry." Edward let out with a sob.

"You say you're sorry an awful lot, don't you Edward? You make him happy, and knowing my brother, he loves you with all his heart. You can't just hurt him again and again. You have to decide if it's worth it. If **he** 's worth it." Rosalie's voice answered.

"I..."

But whatever Edward was going to say, Jasper didn't find out, as in that moment in a burst of pure energy he opened his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. Suddenly, he was surrounded by nurses and doctors, all probing and talking. One took the respiration tube out of his throat while a nurse waited with a glass of water.

Jasper could now see in the too bright room Rosie's and Emmett's beaming, tear streaked faces. A doctor gave him some morphine, and the last sight to enter his tired brain before finally succumbing to blissful sleep was Edward's devastated, puffy, rimmed-red eyes and an anguished half smile.

 _Fuck_.


	5. How Dare I? How Dare You

_Ouch. Fuck everything hurts! I think I have fucking bed burn!_

As Jasper slowly woke up, he desperately wished he hadn't. His limbs felt like dead weight and his head hurt just like his last hangover. He tried to open his eyes and felt them crusty with sleep.

_Eww. And people saw me like this? Please God at least allow me the dignity of not having had drooled._

Jasper shook the last vestiges of sleep and slowly rejoined the living. He breathed deeply and immediately coughed, his throat stinging and dry as though he had swallowed an entire pack of cotton balls. His eyes watered as he finally pried them open.

His first image was of his parents' concerned gazes, his father holding a glass of water with a straw.

"Here son, have a drink, slowly, we don't want you throwing up right now."

He took the straw between his lips and drew the cool water into his parched mouth, never taking his eyes away from the people in front of him.

"Thanks." He croaked.

"Oh sweety," his mother's tearful voice said before she held him in a loose hug. "Never **ever** scare us like that again, you hear."

"I'm sorry mama." He mumbled from his place in his mother's embrace. He chanced a look at his father to see him with tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry da."

His father emitted a whimper before joining in the hug.

_Well, this is awkward._

He disentangled himself from the hug as best as he could from his position lying down before trying to sit up.

"Oh, here! Let me help." His mother immediately moved to assist him, but he flinched before he could reach him.

"I can do it ma. M'fine."

His mother moved away with a look of deep disappointment before giving him a strained smile.

"She was just trying to help you son." His father told him with, _surprise surprise_ , also a look of disappointment.

_Now_ _**this** _ _parents I know how to deal with, not the Oh-I'm-so-concerned ones I woke up to._

His mother daintily sat herself next to him in the bed while his father pulled a chair and sat on the other side of him.

"Now baby boy, we've been talking to some doctors, and they recommended a great psychologist who can help you deal with this." His mother said in a voice resembling the one used to talk to scared animals.

_Or mental patients._

He snorted at his thoughts but refused to look at either of them.

"Now, now son. Don't be that way. What you did was very grave, you obviously need help!" His father reprimanded him in his I-know-better-so-listen-to-me voice he constantly used in Jasper's early teenage years.

Jasper started to feel angry. He had thought that he had forgiven them while he was unconscious, but seeing the return of the parents he had know before the _incident_ brought his pain to the surface.

_How DARE they. How dare they treat me like I'm a mental patient! Yes, it was a bad idea, but if they had only been there for me before, if I had know I could talk to them..._

He was in pain, exhausted and just wanted to be left alone.

_Ok Jasper, deep breaths. In and out. In and out. Ok, you know it was not entirely their fault, and blaming them will only make the gap bigger. You want them back, remember what they said while you were unconscious._

He continued breathing slowly while continuing his inner pep talk. He released one more breath before he realized they had been talking the whole time.

"... so you're going to be seeing him two times a week, three if possible. It's already two, so we can't make an appointment, but don't you worry, we'll talk to him today and he'll come tomorrow afternoon." His father rambled.

"Remember what they said John, maybe he'll need a psychiatrist too, he might need meds." His mother reminded his father.

"True, true. It's going to cost quite a bit. You sure are a high maintenance one, huh son?" His father teased before letting out a deep belly laugh.

"Oh how true!" His mother said in between giggles.

Unfortunately, it was the last straw for Jasper, he knew that his parents were fickle, but to make fun of him, call him high maintenance because the bill was too high after surviving an attempted suicide? That was just too much.

_I knew it! It would have been better for them if I had died. Now they just have to say how the funeral would've been cheaper!_

Jasper felt the sting in his eyes, but couldn't help the tears that escaped. He clenched his fists and looked straight into his parents' confused faces.

"Yes I'm sure a funeral would have been cheaper, right?" He spat bitterly. "I thought you cared, I _heard_ you say you did, but now, I'm sure it must've been my imagination. Or was it just to save face to the public?" He spat maliciously. "How quaint. The heartbroken parents of a poor queer boy, right?" He had started strong but finished in a near whisper.

"Baby boy how can you even _think_..." his mother started to say, but Jasper interrupted her with a bitter laugh.

"How can I even think? HOW DARE YOU! I THOUGHT YOU CARED BUT IT WAS A FUCKING LIE!"

"Language!" His father barked. "Don't you **dare** speak to us that way young man!"

"How dare I? **HOW DARE I?** " Jasper took a calming breath, not that it did much. "Get out."

"What?" His mother said with tears running down her face, ruining her makeup. "Baby..."

"I don't want to hear it. Please. Get. Out."

"Lets go Caroline." His father rose from his seat and leaned as if to give Jasper a kiss on his head, but Jasper flinched. John Whitlock sighed and squeezed his son's shoulder. "We'll come tomorrow, ok Jasper? We'll talk. Calmly."

Jasper shrugged, not looking up from the sheets he suddenly found fascinating.

"We love you son." With that his father took his mother's hand and walked to the door. His mother paused and took one final look at her baby boy.

"I love you Jasper."

As the door closed, Jasper burst into tears.

 

* * *

 

Jasper wiped the tears still running down his face and took a look at the room he was in. Every inch was decorated with flowers, get well cards and stuffed giraffes.

_My favorite. Damn. I should have listened, but I'm just so mad. Oh God, I love them and maybe they're right. It wouldn't hurt to talk to someone objective, right? Right. I should call and apologize. No. I'll do that tomorrow, I'm still too angry, and so fucking emotional... I feel like Rosie when she first got her period._

He smiled a little at the thought of him being a preteen girl before he heard the shouts in the hallway.

_Oh my fuck. Are you serious? Can't I get a goddamned minute of fucking peace?_

"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! I TOLD YOU, YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE NEAR MY BROTHER! THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!"

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF? **MY** FAULT? SO YOU'RE NOW A FUCKING ANGEL IN ALL OF THIS? STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH! YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET ME EXPLAIN LAST TIME!"

"BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR EXCUSES YOU PIECE OF CRAP! I HEARD ENOUGH AT THE PARKING LOT!"

"YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU FUCKING BIMBO!"

"HEY! DON'T YOU TALK TO MY GIRLFRIEND THAT WAY! I HAVE MORE THAN ONE REASON TO BREAK YOUR PRETTY FACE! GIVE ME ONE MORE AND I'LL REARRANGE IT FOR YOU!"

"OH YEAH? YOU AND WHAT FUCKING ARMY? I'M GOING TO SEE JASPER AND THAT'S FINAL!"

Jasper looked at the sterile white ceiling and felt an even bigger headache coming.

_Seriously? I mean, seriously? Why God, why? I must have been a serial killer in my other life to have to deal with this shit._

_No._ Said a little snide voice in his head who Jasper refused to believe was his conscience. His conscience wouldn't be so fucking annoying. _You just tried to off yourself, jackass. That's pretty fucking bad. Enjoy!_

He clenched his eyes shut just as his room's door was thrown open. He calmly opened his eyes to see a very red faced Edward followed by a bitch-faced Rosalie and a hulking, frowning Emmett.

"Now kids, we're going to learn a lesson with uncle Jasper. The voices you used in the hallway are called _outside voices_ , generally used when you are across a football field from each other. Now, the voice I'm using right now, hear the tone? Hear the pitch? Hear the volume? Well, believe it or not, those are called _inside voices_ , we use them when we're feet apart from each other and inside of any building at all times, more so a hospital. Any questions? Remember, there _is_ going to be a pop quiz about this. No? Well, lets see if you learned the lesson, remember to answer in inside voices _only_. Okay, here's question one: **What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On. Here?** "

The three visitors just stood by the doorway with their jaws hanging open at the sheer sarcasm Jasper had used.

_Fuck yeah, I'm good._

"No one? It really wasn't optional you know?"

Edward was the first to move. He slowly walked towards Jasper, as if entranced by him. As soon as he reached him, he placed his palm in Jasper's cheek, smiling as Jasper couldn't help but nuzzle his face against his soft warm hand.

" _Jasper_..." Edward said breathlessly before launching himself into Jasper's body.

_Thank God my ribs are healed by now. Dang, but he may have bruised them some, the boy has rock hard muscles!_

Jasper tentatively lifted his arms and encircled Edward's waist. He felt Edward sag against him at the same time he noticed the moisture on his neck.

"Edward? Are you crying?" He asked incredulously.

Edward lifted his head from where he had nestled it in Jasper shoulder to look jasper directly in the eye. He slowly took his arms from around Jasper and took hold of his face, as gently as if he were a porcelain doll about to break.

"Oh Jasper. I'm so, _so_ sorry! I didn't mean it. I have to explain! Please let me explain! I didn't want to! But he said, and I didn't see them! I swear! And then you ran and _Oh God!_ I wanted to talk, so badly, and I heard but I was scared! But I told my parents and they said it was ok, and now I'm here, and I was here all along, I swear to you! Oh Jasper, _Jasper!"_ Edward babbled while sobbing, so that his words were almost incomprehensible.

"Quit the fucking sob story and get your fucking paws of my brother Cullen." Rosalie said icily.

_Apparently she managed to unfreeze herself. Not. Good._

"Rose..." Jasper started while holding Edward's hands. The copper-haired man had stiffened and tried to step away from Jasper as soon as Rosalie's voice was heard. He had forgotten she was there, it seemed.

"Jay..." Rosie looked apologetic but determined. "You have _no idea_ what that fucker was saying at school just yesterday! The fucking asshole said you deserved it!"

Jasper reeled back as if slapped. He chanced a look at Edward to see a broken man instead.

"Ed- Edward, is that true?" He asked softly.

"Of course it's fucking true!" Rosalie screeched. "I **heard** him! So did Emmett. Tell him! Tell him Em!"

Emmett looked at Jasper apologetically before nodding his head. "It's true Jasper, he was talking to _Jacob Black_ " he spat the name, "and his cohorts. I'm sorry."

Jasper, who had looked toward Emmett momentarily to hear and see his response, returned his eyes toward his love.

"Why Edward? Why this again?"

_I can't do this anymore. I'm done._

"Don't." He shook his head and let go of Edward's hands as soon as Edward had opened his mouth to respond. "I can't do this Edward. You _broke_ me." He told the green eyed man, intentionally repeating the words he had heard his sister spit at the man the day before. "I can't let you break me again.

"It wasn't what it looked like Jay, I _swear!_ " Edward pleaded.

Jasper almost gave in, seeing the sincerity in Edward's eyes, and hearing it in his voice, but he could not talk to his love right now. Not with all the anger and sadness still so close to the surface, and not with his sister watching like a hawk, waiting to destroy the love of his life.

"Go home Edward." Jasper said, taking hold of Edward's face and running his thumbs underneath the man's purple bruises under his eyes. "You need to sleep, and I need to talk to my sister."

"No Jasper. _Please._ " Edward pleaded again, holding Jasper's hands to his face. "Please talk to me."

The heartbreak on his face was too much, Jasper had to reassure him.

"We will. We will talk Edward, but not right now. Come back tomorrow, ok?"

"I will." Edward responded, resigned. "But it wasn't like that, ok? I need you to know that before I go. It _was not like that_. Jacob's a dick. Your sister just took everything out of context."

Rosalie snorted at this, keeping her arms crossed across her chest, still not moving from her perch by the door next to Emmett.

"Ok." Jasper said softly, taking his hands from Edward's face. "Ok."

Edward sighed in relief in at least not alienating the man he loved anymore than he had already done and rested his forehead against the blond's.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll see you tomorrow Edward." And gathering all his courage, gave the green eyed man a lingering kiss on the cheek.

Edward rose from his spot and passed Rosalie by the door, who was silently fuming. Jasper knew of these outbursts, he had suffered from them too many times in the past.

As he expected, as soon as Edward closed the door behind him with a hopeful smile and tears still in his eyes, Rosalie exploded.

"WHAT THE FUCK JASPER? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? _HE BROKE YOU_! YOU JUST FUCKING ADMITTED IT! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU? I SHOULD JUST TELL MOM AND DAD, THAT'D MAKE SURE THAT THAT FUCKER IS **NEVER** ALLOWED NEAR YOU AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH GRIEF YOU PUT US THROUGH? HE _MADE_ YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF! AND NOW WITH JUST SOME TEARS YOU'LL RUN BACK INTO HIS FUCKING ARMS? HOW FUCKING DESPERATE ARE YOU TO FORGIVE..."

But Jasper never allowed her to finish. He was **done** with being walked over, he was **done** with everyone deciding what was best for him. he was **done** being lower than a fucking doormat.

"FIRST OF ALL NOBODY _MADE ME_ DO ANYTHING! SECONDLY, HOW FUCKING DESPERATE AM I TO WHAT, HUH ROSE? HOW FUCKING DESPERATE AM I TO FORGIVE MY BABY SISTER AFTER SHE IGNORED ME FOR FUCKING _YEARS_? HOW FUCKING DESPERATE AM I TO FORGIVE MY _ONLY SISTER_ FOR ALLOWING EVERYONE TO SAY SHIT ABOUT ME BEFORE MY SUICIDE ATTEMPT? OR MAYBE, HOW ABOUT HOW _FUCKING DESPERATE_ AM I TO FORGIVE **YOU** FOR NOT ONLY NOT STANDING UP FOR ME, BUT FOR LAUGHING EVERY-FUCKING-TIME ANYONE MADE A FAG JOKE WHEN I WALKED BY! SO YOU TELL ME HOW FUCKING DESPERATE AM I!"

Rosalie was stunned. Never had Jasper spoken to her that way. She felt like crying. She now saw the truth: she was as guilty as Edward, even more seeing as Jasper was her big brother. Family.

"Jay..." She walked towards him, with her hand stretched towards him, looking for his touch, his forgiveness.

"No Rosie." Jasper ignored her peace offering. "I'm done with everyone trying to tell me what's best. You hurt me, deeply, and I want to forgive you, I though I had, but I think I need some time."

Rosalie just stood there, crying with her arms limp at her sides.

"I'm sorry." She whispered brokenly.

"I know Rosie."

"I love you Jay."

Jasper gave in and opened his arms to her. She ran to him immediately.

"I love you too Rosie." He let her go and wiped the tears from her face, "but I just need some time. Ok?"

Rosalie just nodded and took her leave, pausing at the door to mouth 'I love you' to Jasper once more. He smiled and waved her away. He was exhausted.

_Holy shit._ He thought while closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, a tick he had learned from Edward. _Wel-fucking-come back Jasper._

He opened his eyes at a slight noise coming from the doorway, and found Emmett, shuffling his feet and looking deeply uncomfortable.

"Oh God. I'm sorry you had to see that man." Jasper sighed. "But thanks for coming to see me anyway."

"Yeah, well." Emmett rubbed the back of his neck. "I was worried."

"I know."

Emmett just raised an eyebrow in inquiry.

Jasper blushed, looking at the sheet before raising his eyes to the man at the doorway.

"I heard everything while unconscious. I don't know if I'm even supposed to remember anything, but I do, every word. How's your cousin, by the way?" He smirked at Emmett's surprised look.

"He's doing ok. Told him about you, he wishes you a swift recovery."

They both chuckled and Jasper held his hand out. Emmett approached with a curious look on his face and took the offered hand. Jasper pulled him into a hug and with as much emotion as he could told Emmett:

"Thank you."

"What for? You don't have to thank me, I would have come even if you didn't want me here. We're bro's."

Jasper smiled at that and pulled back to look Emmett in the face.

"Well yes, thank you for that too, but I was talking about the fact that you're the first person since I've woken up that I haven't shed tears over, yelled at or just wished myself back into a coma for."

Emmett looked at Jasper face for a moment before he threw his head back and let out a deep, warm laugh.

Jasper couldn't help but laugh too. Until he remembered who he was talking to the next day.

_Oh shit. Please coma gods, take me again!_

_Drama queen._ That snide voice made an appearance.

_Shut up. Ugh, I'm turning into a preteen girl who talks to a voice in his head. Woo-fucking-hoo._


	6. Forgive you? I think I can do that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeks out from hiding place – Um, hi!   
> So, I have no excuse. None. Life did get in the way, but hopefully I’m back.
> 
> I won’t promise to update very week, but whenever work and inspiration allows, I will.   
> Whoever is still reading this: seriously?? I mean, thanks. And I’M SORRY!  
> On to the story.
> 
> So, no Edward in this chapter :( Edward's talk with Jasper is next chapter, but I hope you won't be too disappointed with this chapter. The first part is just an explanation of why Jasper's stay in the hospital will be a bit longer, even if he seems like he's ready to go home.

* * *

 

_Suicide. Watch._

_What the ever-loving fuck._

Jasper sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. He was exhausted.

_After having a nice, calm and surprisingly fun evening with Emmett, he was preparing himself mentally for the next day, when he would have two of the most difficult talks up to date._

_He let himself fall back into the pillows, regretting having told Edward to return the next day when he remembered that he also planned on talking to his parents._

_His thought process was interrupted by his bladder, telling him to go piss or he'd have some explanations to give to the nursing staff._

_Just as he was about to gather all of his strength to cross the seemingly endless distance between the bed and the bathroom, there was a knock on the door before it opened to reveal his doctor._

_"Hello Jasper, how are we doing this evening?" Doctor Marcus Volturi asked him with that infuriating smile he always seemed to have pasted on his face._

_"Well howdy doc. Lets see, shall we? I woke up yesterday to a screaming match between two of the most important people of my life only to be medicated into a deep sleep again. Waking up today I see my parents and think to myself 'hey, whadda ya know? They actually care!' only to be disappointed to discover they find all of this oh-so expensive and apparently, check this out: I'm high maintenance! I tell them to get out only to regret it, but no time to think about that, oh no, I can't get a fucking break! As my sister and my not-boyfriend-who-I-love-but-broke-my-heart-into-a-million-pieces argue, only to bring the argument INSIDE my room. But that's not all, the love of my life apologizes but I can't even begin to process it as my sister yells, I tell him to come tomorrow, my sister yells some more, I throw her out and then have a - finally - peaceful chat, with her boyfriend! So as you can see doc, I'm abso-fucking-lutely wonderfully screwed! How about you? How are YOU doing this fine, fine evening?"_

_Jasper finished his tirade smiling sweetly and patting himself in the back for keeping his cool._

_"Well, I see being in a coma hasn't affected your **wonderful**  personality." Doctor Volturi responded. Jasper wasn't sure if it was sarcasm (the man was hard to read) but decided to let it slide for now. He was just cool like that._

_"Yes." He nodded solemnly. "I was worried my charming self would be damaged, thank goodness it's not so."_

_The doctor gave him a real smile and sat down on the chair next to his bed._

_"I'm glad. Jasper, before you **removed** " he chuckled at this a bit "your parents from the room, did they talk to you about talking to someone?"_

_"Well, they did, but I kinda ignored them." He ducked his head, slightly embarrassed. "I was trying to control my temper." He saw the doc nod a bit at this from the corner of his eye. “I did think about it, after they left, and I guess that if it'll make everyone happy, I'll talk to whoever they tell me to."_

_"I'm glad to hear it Jasper, but I'm a bit concerned about your reasons. You say you'll do it to make them happy, do you not think that it will do you some good? You tried to end your life kid, that's no small problem."_

_"I know, but I'm fine now. I survived and know now that I have reasons to live. So I don't think it's really that necessary..." He stopped talking when he saw the look on the doc's face._

_"And that is why it's important. You're not seeing how grave the situation is, not really. But we'll talk about it tomorrow, ok kid? I'll let you rest now. Unless you have any questions?"_

_"Just one." At this Jasper gave him his very best puppy dog eyes, his head slightly cocked to the side for more cuteness-factor. "When am I allowed to go home? I feel fine, I mean I'm a bit weak, but I was in a coma for almost half a month so I guess that's expected, but I figured with some help I'll be able to go home right? You can even give me a special diet, I know I can't eat normally, judging by the crap they gave me earlier, so that's not a problem, and I swear I won't cheat!"_

_"I'm sure you won't kid, unfortunately you'll have to stay a couple of days, a week tops." Doctor Volturi said with some amusement._

_Jasper's jaw dropped open. The doctor must have known his thoughts as he answered without Jasper needing to voice his question._

_"You're on suicide watch Jasper." He clapped him on the back once before standing and heading to the door. He turned and looked into Jasper's eyes with some sympathy. "I'll see you tomorrow, try and get some rest."_

_Jasper stayed frozen, looking at the spot the doctor had occupied just moments before before the bubbling laughter spilled out. He laughed and laughed until he realised that his laughter had turned into sobs._

_He fell asleep, exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions, but found himself waking every two hours or so, his mind troubled. Between his parents, Edward and fucking suicide watch, he began to feel trapped in his own skin._

Now here he was just after breakfast, bleary eyed, churning stomach and budding headache. The Gods were against him, he was sure of it now.

 

* * *

 

 

He had managed to nap a little that morning, but now was expectantly waiting for his parents to arrive, they had called him, asking if he wanted to see them.

He was looking outside from the small window, he had finally been allowed to get out of bed, and even if it tired him even more, he was grateful for being able to get out of the starched sheets.

He had finally been able to stop the whirlwind of thoughts, and was now enjoying the sun's rare appearance when there was a knock on the opened door. He turned to find his father looking like a little boy about to confess for being naughty.

Jasper allowed a small smile to show and swept a hand towards the chair facing the one he was sitting on.

His father smiled shyly and shuffled inside the room.

"Where's ma?"

"Downstairs in the cafeteria, I asked to give me some time to talk to you alone."

Jasper nodded and raised an eyebrow in encouragement.

His father took a deep breath and stared directly into his beloved son's eyes.

"Jasper, first of all I want to apologize to you." He raised a hand when Jasper opened his mouth to interrupt. "No, let me finish. I want to apologize to you. Not only for the comment yesterday, but for my behaviour. Son, I have no idea who you are anymore. I have no idea of what you like and dislike, your favourite colour, what movies you enjoy... and it's all my fault. I don't know if anything being said to you while in a coma got to you..."

"It did." Jasper interrupted. "Whenever anyone touched me, somehow they appeared in the fog. That's why yesterday's comment hurt so much." He looked at his hands before staring at his father again, waiting for him to continue.

"Well, that's good." He sighed. "When I decided to enrol in the military, I had ideals, farfetched dreams of glory and heroism, I did my training, got some recommendations and went to some distant countries. Then, I returned, got married and got the greatest gift of all, something that I never dreamed would be as wonderful as it was: I got a son." He had tears in his eyes, and Jasper was not far behind. "A year later, I had another miracle, a little girl, and I couldn't be happier. I worked with trainees and got to go home every day to my beautiful family. When I got called for duty again, I dreaded it. Not because of what I might experience, but because I didn't want to miss a single moment of your or your sister's lives. You were eight by then, not a baby anymore, so I prepared everything and moved my family here. I was glad that my skills were needed, that I was considered competent enough to lead my own troops, but I couldn't shake the feeling of remorse every time I thought of you guys. When I finally left, your mother was devastated, the death count kept growing at an alarming rate. She begged me not to go, but I had made a commitment to my country, so I had to follow through."

He took a deep, ragged breath and took Jasper hands in between his own calloused ones.

"You were so proud of me, telling all your friends how your daddy was going to go and save the world. It made me want to live up to the hero you saw me as." He blinked back tears, noticing his son's tear stained face. "But then, you told everyone who would listen about how you were going to follow my footsteps, you had the same idealistic idea, the same pink coloured glasses that I had despite the age difference." He chuckled. "And I was proud. I was proud that my baby boy admired me so much that he wanted to be just like me. I had never been in such close proximity to war, to death. That's when I started to die bit by bit inside."

Jasper stood from the chair and pulled his father into hug, both trying to give strength while remaining strong. They sat next to each other on the bed, still holding onto each other's hands.

"It was bad. You couldn't get close to people, lest they died in the next attack. So much fear, and pain, and  _hate_. And then he arrived. So young, with blue eyes and honey coloured curls. I couldn't help but be reminded of you. He was young, just turned eighteen and ready for battle. I trained him harder than the rest, and gave him the less dangerous assignments. I couldn't risk him, he reminded me so much of you. He was just as sensitive. Every emotion he felt a hundred times more than the rest of us, but he was still as optimistic as ever. Even when one of our own died, he only allowed himself nights to grieve, alone, and when he trusted me enough, he shared the grief with me. Our troops kept getting smaller, morale kept falling, but he was always there, reminding us of what we were fighting for: our loved ones, our country. He disappeared on his next assignment. His mutilated body was sent to our camp weeks later. That's when the last bit of me died." He held Jasper's face in his hands, wiping away the tears that constantly fell. "When I saw his body behind my eyelids that night, I realized that I had been picturing  _you_. I cried for the last time that night and became ruthless. When it was time to come home, I was a changed man, I was so broken. And when I saw your smiling ten year old face, I lost it. I could not - **would not**  allow that to be your fate, so I kept you at a distance, thinking that by pushing you away, you'd forget any dreams of becoming like me, and that way, I'd stop having nightmares of receiving your mutilated body."

They fell into a hug, filled with pain and understanding, forgiveness and love.

" _I'm so sorry baby boy._ "

" _I'm sorry too daddy._ "

His father broke away from the hug and returned his hands to his son's face, making it impossible for Jasper to look away. "No. You have nothing,  _nothing_  to apologize for."

"I do. I - I thought you didn't love me, I tried to hate you. I love you da, I love you so, so much!"

"I love you too, son." He kissed his son's forehead and spoke again. “I have a proposition for you. I know you don't want to see a psychologist..."

"I do. I'll do anything to make this better da" Jasper sniffed. "I understand that now."

John smiled. "I'm glad to hear it son, but let me finish. We'll both go."

Jasper stared at his father, not comprehending where he was getting at.

"What I said yesterday, that was out of line. I have issues too, issues that I refused to acknowledge, but that need to be resolved. So in a show of support, and in an attempt to make things right between us, I'll talk to somebody too. What do you think?"

"I - I forgive you da. I really do. I love you, and if this will makes us a family again, so be it."

"Thank you son. Thank you."

They hugged once more before laughing a little at the mess they now resembled, with puffy eyes, runny noses and tear tracks. They took turns composing themselves in the bathroom and without a word sat next to each other to watch a football game. Just like Jasper always wanted, just like John always imagined. Side by side, father and son started rebuilding the bridge of their once broken relationship.

"So," John spoke, looking straight at the television screen. "Edward huh?"

"Dad!" Jasper whined.

"It needs to be said Jasper."

Jasper sighed, remembering that Edward was due to come that afternoon. He sighed again and nodded to his father to continue, dreading the conversation.

"I'm not against it son, you know we all love Edward as family, but this needs to be said." He attempted his best poker face and mature, comprehending voice. "When a man and a man love each other very much, there comes a time when they wish to express that love physically. Now, I don't really know the mechanics that well, but I googled it and I know that you need plenty of lube and a condom. I know you won't get each other pregnant, but there is the risk of disease..."

He took a look at his son's red face, clenched fists and horrified eyes before he could not fight the urge anymore and burst out laughing.

Jasper was mortified but allowed himself to be swept in the ridiculousness of it all.

 _Everything's not fixed yet._  He though while looking at his still laughing father fondly,  _but it's a start._

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Guilt and Kissing a Sleeping Prince](https://archiveofourown.org/works/664680) by [renee20061918](https://archiveofourown.org/users/renee20061918/pseuds/renee20061918)




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